All right, it has been a year now since I resigned from leading The Wisdom Course for Landmark Education. At first it was such a delightful thing. My time was once again mine. And to top it off, my husband had resigned from leading the same course and we were both freed up to do things we hadn’t done before. We had (and have) a lot more time to be with each other and to do whatever we want to do.
My kids have prospered in this past year. It was nearly a decade that I had been on the phone a lot, travelling frequently, and occupied by my accountabilities and suddenly I was there and available to them. It has been good. They have blossomed and our relationships have become quieter, stronger and I am more in tune with them.
I am thrilled with the difference my being more available to them has made. My daughter is thriving in school. She has blossomed into a responsible, self managing teenager. I just love her and I have grown so much with her in this past year. And my son, well, he has continued surfing the teen years and is doing it very well. What I love most about being more available to him is that I am observing him and watching him grow. He is now pulling more and more for his independence and I am so lucky to be a part of this young man’s life.
As for my husband and I, well we watched the entire Mad Man series, and are looking forward to the season premier later this month, the entire Guardian series and we caught up on a lot of other television. We go to bed earlier, get up earlier and spend more time together. That may seem very ordinary, but to us being able to sit on the couch, side by side, with our legs intertwined, holding hands, just being together is like pure decadence.
My house is clean, I do it myself, with the help of my kids on their chore day. My garden is tended, I am waiting for the plus 700 bulbs I planted last Fall to blossom. I have connected with friends in my community and have Friday morning coffee with a group of women who are delightful and a lot of fun. I go to my yoga class three times a week and I am a class advisor for my son’s class. This Sunday I’ll be coaching the first tournament for my daughter’s club volleyball team for which I am the head coach. In addition to this, I have been working on completing my degree, though I must admit things in this domain have slowed down over the past few weeks.
It has been a great year of what I would call “down-time” after the years of balancing a family with extensive responsibilities and being available to and leading hundreds of people in their discovery of what matters most to them and then having it happen in their lives. This year has been a good thing. It was the right thing to do. I am stronger, healthier, my family is tighter and calmer. And yet lately it has all come to a place of “ENOUGH!” It is time to…. What? Well, that is the question. What is it that is next for me?
As a Wisdom Course Leader I remember telling people that answering the question – – what is it that calls you in life? What is it that touches your heart and while you are doing it time stands still? Answering that question is something that only the questioner can do. It is my turn. Only I can answer that question and *&%$#@ I don’t have an answer! I have come up with many possible answers which have all fallen flat – – Yoga Instructor, Transform the School’s Athletic Program, Athletic Director, Political activist and more. Lately I have surfed the non-profit sector and have a couple of speaking engagements and a workshop scheduled to support Volunteer Coordinators in managing their volunteer programs. That last one is fun and something I am continuing to explore.
I have thought lately of another Landmark course I participated in just before I became a Wisdom Course Leader. It is called Partnership Explorations. What I keep thinking of is one specific conversation where Angela (then my course leader, now my friend) said we are going to take you farther and farther away from shore – – where you cannot see land and we will have you become more and more comfortable with being there – in the unknown. In that moment, as I have shared with many people over the years, I found that statement so unnerving, so threatening that I was ready to leave the course, but I didnt’. Thanks to my friend Tina, I stayed. And I am glad that I did. The course and having the skill of being in the unknown has been extraordinarily valuable to me. But here I am, in my life and I seem a long way away from shore. Can’t leave, don’t have an answer and I am ready… ready for some excitement, to be swept away by something that touches my heart and lifts me into action.
So… I ask, when will it come? Some say that there is no answer to that other than it will come when it comes (that has been my answer too). But somehow, just writing it here helps. It is good to just say it out loud (even though I am writing to whoever it is that reads this and then, maybe no one will). I love coaching people, I love leading and performing, I love having my life make a difference for others. I love being with my children, I love having couch-time with my husband. I love tending my garden, being with my friends and practicing yoga. And there is this place in my heart and maybe it is out there somewhere in the eternal or in my connection with all of it that keeps whispering……. But I just can’t hear it.
You know, today in yoga something amazing happened. I was doing my handstand practice (I really love that I can say that I can do a handstand, even if it is at the wall) and my teacher Rachel said, look down and press the top of your head into the wall. I did and in that moment I could pull my feet away from the wall and all that was touching were my hands and the top of my head. At first I was thrilled. I did it again and then again. And then I noticed that my mind couldn’t quite make sense of it – – what just happened somehow, in my mind defied logic. I was physically able to do something that I had been trying to do for months – – pull my feet away from the wall. I wonder now, maybe, just maybe that is all that I need. Maybe I only need to press my head into the wall (instead of beating it) and let my feet move away naturally. Whatever that means, I am not sure but it is fun to think about it or consider it. 🙂
We’ll see how things progress. But for now, thank you for reading. Thank you for listening.